Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
