I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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