Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
