she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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