The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
