tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
