I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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