And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
