dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
