Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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