I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
