Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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