omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
