Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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