I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize