my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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