you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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