I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
