how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm at about main and main street
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
