You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
