I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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