I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
