Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
