SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
