grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
