my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
