So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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