I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
