Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
