Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
