she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
