He disabled his match.com account in front of me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
