I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize