Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
