he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Everclear isn't food dammit
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
