so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
