Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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