What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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