Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just cropdusted the office
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
