Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
