I can tuck mytits in my pants
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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