hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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