im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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