Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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