I only kidnapped one of them. chill
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
