I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
