Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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