Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize