At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
