I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
