It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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