That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
