Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
