I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
