someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am naked and annoyed.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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