took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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