you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
