How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
