Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
