I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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