My sheets look like a crime scene.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
