I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
